I'll grant you that (part II)

Here are three announcements posted on the Grants.gov site recently.

Department of the Interior
Bureau of Reclamation, Great Plains Region
Measuring In-Situ Denitrification in Both the Native Groundwater and a Tracer Test in the Tile Drainage System of the Oakes Test Area in Southeastern North Dakota

Department of the Interior
Bureau of Land Management
Shared Cadastral Information System, Alaska

National Endowment for the Humanities
Institutes for Advanced Topics in the Digital Humanities

I know nothing about these things. I do enjoy the way they sound, though – I mean, denitrification is just fun to say! And it’s also fun (kind of like that game Balderdash) to speculate, theorize, guess, or make up stuff about these topics. I’m also reminded of Bill Proxmire, the late senator from Wisconsin, who used to give out his golden fleece awards for pointless and expensive government projects. Not that any of these fit that description. But they might.

Let’s start with digital humanities. “Digital humanities” seems like an advanced topic all by itself, yet the NEH will pay somebody to run institutes on advanced topics (plural) in digital humanities. I confess, I’m having trouble imagining what a digital humanity might be. If I write a poem and post it on a blog (there’s an idea for someone!), am I engaging in a digital humanity? If so, where’s my grant money?

And what about cadastral information systems (shared, no less)? OK, I had to look that one up. Turns out that cadastral surveying is an ancient profession. Mssrs. Mason and Dixon and Thomas Jefferson were among its practitioners. It is a particular kind of land survey designed to establish ownership boundaries – where my land stops and yours starts. In a place like Alaska, that’s especially important, because the federal government owns huge chunks of that state and sometimes private or corporate landowners covet the federal land and will invest great sums to dispute the boundaries. Without a definitive cadastral survey, you could have a...cadastrophe. Reminds me of the story told by H. Allen Smith about the Texas rancher who was accused of being a land grabber. He said, “Nope, I only want the land that adjoins mine.”

Denitrification. I wish I could find a way to work that word into an ordinary conversation. I guess having nitrites or nitrates in ground water isn’t a good thing, so figuring out how to get rid of them is a worthy pursuit, and doing it in Southeastern North Dakota (which borders Northeastern South Dakota) is as good a place as any to start. It’s an interesting landscape. And, apropos of nothing, there’s a little town there with the perfect name: Minor.

I'll Grant You That

All of these federal grant announcements were made in June and July, 2007. They are reproduced here verbatim from the grants.gov web site.

The comments are my own.

Department of the Interior
Community Fire Assistance for Southwest Colorado
Modification 3

Comment: Why does southwest Colorado get fire assistance and not, say, southeast Minnesota? And why would the announcement have to be modified three times – how hard can it be to give money away for this purpose? I’ve been to southwest Colorado (Durango and environs) and there probably aren’t too many organizations competing for this grant. To simplify things, the Department of the Interior should just give money to the Durango fire department and say to them “anything burning between you and Grand Junction, get out there quick.”


Environmental Protection Agency
Servicizing in Schools Grant (FY06)
Grant

Comment: Servicizing? In schools? I wouldn’t want my school-age kids anywhere near anybody who would even type the word, let alone actually servicize anything. Servicizing is a private matter. What’s next, a food for mohel program? And what’s the EPA doing in the servicizing business anyway?


Department of Health and Human Services
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
Grant

Comment: I wonder if people who have been servicized have healthier marriages. What would a national resource center look like? A room where couples could watch old episodes of Dr. Phil, Donohue, Oprah, and Night Court? Maybe a dating service for recent divorcees -- on the thesis that these people have shown increased propensity toward unhealthy marriage and maybe we can help them avoid a repeat. Yeah, but, just as sex education encourages sexual promiscuity, marriage education might encourage marital promiscuity. Marriage is fun, I think I’ll do it again!

Department of Health and Human Services
Brain Disorders in the Developing World: Research Across the Lifespan (R21)
Grant

Comment: Notice that it doesn’t say “Preventing Brain Disorders…” The phrase ‘developing world’ has always struck me as odd. Hasn’t the world been developing pretty much since time began? If sub-Saharan Africa is ‘developing,’ does that mean Australia has reached is zenith of development? No place else to go? The cornfields just south of where I live are being overrun by town homes and apartment complexes and strip malls. Does that mean my neighborhood is part of the developing world? Come to think of it, this kind of development does seem to cause brain disorders, especially among politicians and planning commissioners. Nothing a research grant would cure, though.


Department of Health and Human Services
Healthy Marriage Demonstration Grants
Grant

Comment: So now the Bush administration is going to pay Bill and Hilary to give speeches about martial resiliency! OK, probably not. Can I get some of this money to organize a demonstration celebrating the many healthy long-term committed relationships my homosexual friends have? Thought not.


USDA
United States Department of Agriculture
CSREES
Regional Integrated Pest Management Centers
Modification 1

Comment: If pest management is good, then regional integrated pest management is better, eh? And I for one am happy to see that the pests have integrated. Might make them easier to manage, regionally speaking.