I'll Grant You That

All of these federal grant announcements were made in June and July, 2007. They are reproduced here verbatim from the grants.gov web site.

The comments are my own.

Department of the Interior
Community Fire Assistance for Southwest Colorado
Modification 3

Comment: Why does southwest Colorado get fire assistance and not, say, southeast Minnesota? And why would the announcement have to be modified three times – how hard can it be to give money away for this purpose? I’ve been to southwest Colorado (Durango and environs) and there probably aren’t too many organizations competing for this grant. To simplify things, the Department of the Interior should just give money to the Durango fire department and say to them “anything burning between you and Grand Junction, get out there quick.”


Environmental Protection Agency
Servicizing in Schools Grant (FY06)
Grant

Comment: Servicizing? In schools? I wouldn’t want my school-age kids anywhere near anybody who would even type the word, let alone actually servicize anything. Servicizing is a private matter. What’s next, a food for mohel program? And what’s the EPA doing in the servicizing business anyway?


Department of Health and Human Services
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
Grant

Comment: I wonder if people who have been servicized have healthier marriages. What would a national resource center look like? A room where couples could watch old episodes of Dr. Phil, Donohue, Oprah, and Night Court? Maybe a dating service for recent divorcees -- on the thesis that these people have shown increased propensity toward unhealthy marriage and maybe we can help them avoid a repeat. Yeah, but, just as sex education encourages sexual promiscuity, marriage education might encourage marital promiscuity. Marriage is fun, I think I’ll do it again!

Department of Health and Human Services
Brain Disorders in the Developing World: Research Across the Lifespan (R21)
Grant

Comment: Notice that it doesn’t say “Preventing Brain Disorders…” The phrase ‘developing world’ has always struck me as odd. Hasn’t the world been developing pretty much since time began? If sub-Saharan Africa is ‘developing,’ does that mean Australia has reached is zenith of development? No place else to go? The cornfields just south of where I live are being overrun by town homes and apartment complexes and strip malls. Does that mean my neighborhood is part of the developing world? Come to think of it, this kind of development does seem to cause brain disorders, especially among politicians and planning commissioners. Nothing a research grant would cure, though.


Department of Health and Human Services
Healthy Marriage Demonstration Grants
Grant

Comment: So now the Bush administration is going to pay Bill and Hilary to give speeches about martial resiliency! OK, probably not. Can I get some of this money to organize a demonstration celebrating the many healthy long-term committed relationships my homosexual friends have? Thought not.


USDA
United States Department of Agriculture
CSREES
Regional Integrated Pest Management Centers
Modification 1

Comment: If pest management is good, then regional integrated pest management is better, eh? And I for one am happy to see that the pests have integrated. Might make them easier to manage, regionally speaking.